


Hair Pooper and the Order of the Penis

by Hushicho (Klebkatt)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, we ruin harry potter for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2013-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 17:10:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/813984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klebkatt/pseuds/Hushicho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hairy Pooper, a rather unhappy young man, has his life turned upside-down when he's invited to the Hugetits School of Sexual Wizardry. Through a Series of arousing adventures, he aspires to find happiness in his subjects of study.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hair Pooper and the Order of the Penis

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody of Harry Potter that my friend Hushicho wrote. I claim no responsibility for how much you will laugh.
> 
> Soon to be featured on Bad Fanfiction Theater.

Hairy Pooper was a rather unhappy young man, though not too young obviously. He walked to the door as letters hissed through the mail slot; that was nothing new. It seemed every subsequent day brought with it even more spam.

This time, however, it was different: this time it seemed to be all porn spam. And what's more, it was all from the same place, all with the same seemingly hand-scrawled letters written exactly the same: Hugetits School of Sexual Wizardry

'That's a bit of a laugh,' Hairy chuckled as he pulled one open and tugged out the neatly-folded letter inside. 'Mr. Pooper,' it read, 'your presence is required at the Hugetits School.'

He grimaced. How he hated to be addressed so formally! 'It makes me think I ought to have some penguins or something,' he muttered as he tossed the letter aside.

But then he was haunted by disturbing dreams, which is what wizards do when they don't want to be ignored by young men who really have nothing better to do anyway. Hairy was reminded, in his dreams, that he really had no friends and no life, no hobbies, and no interests, and his disposable relatives who nominally owned the house were actually nothing but inflatable bath toys.

He sat up in bed and, quite naturally, had a wank about the whole thing. They were inflatable bath toys, but they still managed to have pleasure orifices. Those were handy. Then he made his way downstairs and picked up one of the dozens of letters still on the floor, looking it over. 'Come to Platform Twelve-Inches-Plus,' it instructed.

So he found his way to the station after showering and putting on some clothes. He didn't bother doing much to his bird's nest hair, of course, because it handily hid his shame: a vaguely-scrawled tiny penis in permanent marker on his forehead. Thankfully the marker wasn't as permanent as its name indicated, but in the faded ghostly image, it was still very easy to make out the unmistakable drawing.

It didn't help that his complexion was pasty as rice paper.

When he got to the train station, it occurred to him that he had no idea where this platform was supposed to be, so he began to look around. He glanced behind him -- was he being followed? But as he turned back forward, he almost fell over a man in a trenchcoat.

'Come with me at once,' the man snapped, yanking Hairy into the men's lavatory. Before Hairy knew what was going on, the trenchcoat flew open to reveal that the man actually wasn't wearing anything underneath it except a pair of boots! Hairy stammered, holding up his hands.

'I'm just looking for Platform Twelve-Inches-Plus!'

'I know that, you ridiculous boy! Just grab onto the key and we'll be off.'

'The key?'

'What else?'

'Oh.'

Hairy reached out and wrapped his fingers around the man's cock. It wasn't that different to his own. But something occurred to him.  
'That isn't twelve inches.'  
The man widened his eyes and glared at him.  
Suddenly the whole lavatory rushed around them, rippling into nothingness and  
reforming. Then they stood in perhaps the most cramped quarters Hairy had ever known.  
'This might be,' he muttered to himself, glancing around and nearly falling over a pile of  
suitcases.  
But he found his hands holding nothing, and there was no man in a trenchcoat. Good  
enough, he thought. He wasn't half rude; and the platform was small enough with only  
one of him.  
The train finally did arrive, though it looked too much like a giant metal penis for Hairy's  
liking, and it seemed to go through an awful lot of tunnels on the way. He found himself  
sitting in a cabin with a red-headed lad of about his age who alternately smiled almost  
drunkenly or looked absolutely terrified for no real reason either way.  
At last, after about an hour of this, Hairy reached over and patted the other fellow's leg.  
'Excuse me--'  
He started screaming and literally crawled up the wall and onto the luggage rack.  
Hairy settled back against the back cushion of his seat and folded his hands into his lap.  
He remained this way for another hour, then he cleared his throat and looked in the  
general direction of the boy who had decided to live with luggage in its own habitat.  
'Sorry,' Hairy finally called out. He wasn't sure what he had to be sorry about, but he  
figured he might as well since this strange young man had stuffed himself in a rack.  
'It's all right,' came the voice of the redhead. 'I've actually been stuck for the better part of  
an hour now, but I didn't want to ask you to help since I behaved so appallingly. My family  
would be ashamed.'  
Hairy smiled and got to his feet, reaching out to render help. The other boy's shoe had  
hooked on one of the lines of the rack, trapping it.  
'Why don't we start over?' He offered, tugging lightly and soon stumbling back onto his  
seat, with a new lap full of red-headed and very excitable young man. 'I'm, er, Hairy  
Pooper.'  
'What, really!' The other boy's eyes grew wide. 'I've heard stories about you!'  
Hairy could not imagine anyone telling any stories about him worth hearing. He cleared  
his throat and smiled, shrugging his shoulders as if to say 'well, what can you do'.  
'I'm Roger Wienersley! I'm...I'm just so very happy to be on my way to Hugetits. All my  
brothers go there.'  
'I...hadn't really even heard of them until yesterday. I got about a hundred letters from  
them, all the same...'  
'Yeah, they're having problems with their mailers. Cheap goblin labour, don't you know.  
Say, I should thank you for helping me...'  
'That's not--' Hairy started, but that was all that escaped his mouth before Roger had  
undone his trousers, taken out his penis, and sucked it all onto his tongue. He became  
hard very quickly. Wienersley may have had him at a strange disadvantage, but he  
certainly lived up to his name.  
After a little sucking and licking, and even nibbling, the redhead flung his pants off and  
bent over, and there was a lush, supple, delightful ass presented for Hairy. He couldn't  
help himself. After years of never so much as an 'almost there', he was scoring -- and big  
time -- more than once in the same day!  
He wondered whether groping a delusional flasher's tool in a train station could properly  
be called 'scoring', but he banished it from his mind. He was too happy to care.  
The rest of the trip simply passed by in what seemed like no time at all. On the approach  
to Hugeteat Station, the conductor announcing it passed by the window and gave a grin  
and thumbs-up sign to the two as they lay exhausted and naked on the floor.  
But they tidied themselves as best they could and dressed, and made their way out onto  
the station to find their luggage. There were a few others there, one of which was a fellow  
around Hairy's age, blond and handsome but with a severity to his features and  
apparently a passionate love for leather pants. They clung to his every contour, making  
the bulge in front appear most impressive.  
Much more impressive than the man in the trenchcoat, Hairy found himself thinking as  
he stared.  
'Oh, is it the great Hairy Pooper?' The blond sashayed over, swinging his hips and  
throwing his head back. 'You've spent too much time in the world of the sexual zeroes.  
We'll see if you're able to match my pure-blooded stamina!'  
'Er,' Hairy replied, 'did you want to, you know...' he glanced around, first to Roger and  
then back to the other boy, 'have it off?'  
The blond snorted and put his hands on his hips. 'As if I'd engage in that sort of  
behaviour with someone who doesn't even have the decency to introduce himself  
properly!'  
'Well,' Roger chimed in, 'you did sort of say his name already, so you've got him at a  
disadvantage.'  
Hairy nodded. 'Don't mean to be rude, but you did say my name and never told us  
yours...'  
The boy narrowed his eyes and gave a contemptuous flick of his hair. 'I am, of course, the  
sole scion of the most respected name in sexual wizardry. I am Dicko Manboy.'  
'You certainly are,' Hairy replied, looking him up and down.  
'Yes I am! You're perceptive.' Dicko quickly went to it, fishing Hairy's length out of his  
pants. He pointed suddenly at Roger. 'You. Rimjob. On your knees. Now.'  
Roger just sort of dumbly did exactly as told, unlacing the leather pants and working  
them down.  
Hairy could not quite believe his luck, but he wasn't about to question it. He wasn't sure  
if he had won some sort of contest actually, and he wondered if all this thing about a  
school wasn't just some sort of flimsy premise, like a sex cruise or something.  
Dicko really was talented. He could suck cock like nobody's business, even better than  
Roger had. And while he was clearly aroused by the whole affair, he did manage to have  
such impressive stamina, barely even dripping during it.  
But eventually all the toying under Hairy's balls drove him over the top. It felt so good! He  
hadn't really thought about it much before, but Dicko seemed to know exactly how to  
play him, like an instrument.  
And when all was said and done, Dicko cackled and stood, pulling his trousers up and  
lacing them about the sides. 'See! The both of you have already let go, and I'm still hard  
and dry!'  
Hairy sat on the pavement with his pants around his ankles. Roger sat with a wet spot on  
his crotch. Both of them wore the sort of look on their faces as if they had been jostled  
from a deep, pleasant slumber but were trying to pretend to be awake out of courtesy.  
'This isn't the last we'll see of each other -- you'd better improve if you hope to beat me!'  
And with a peal of cackles, the strange blond boy departed.  
Hairy picked himself up and pulled his trousers up, then he tugged Roger to his feet and  
supported him bodily until he could walk on his own. 'Odd bloke,' Hairy commented,  
getting their luggage together and carrying it down the steps to the path.  
There really was a school there, shockingly. Actually, it looked more like a fortress, with  
all of its towers and spires and minarets or spinnerettes or whatever they were called;  
Hairy could never remember. He also recalled the term 'flying buttress', and this gave  
him a little laugh as they walked along the path.  
As they reached the door, they stopped to look around. Hairy spotted what looked like a  
broomstick wrapped in cloth, with a bizarre blond afro stuck atop it. These people really  
were odd, he thought, as he poked at it.  
'Don't poke me, thank you very much!'  
The broomstick spoke! But then it became clear it wasn't a broomstick at all: it was a girl,  
about Hairy's age and Roger's, with a figure to put Popeye's girlfriend to shame.  
'Sorry,' Hairy answered. 'I'm Hairy Pooper, this is Roger Wienersley. This is just all so new  
to me...'  
'Did you say Hairy Pooper?!' The broomish girl replied. 'It's amazing to meet you in the  
flesh! I'm Hermuffonme.'  
'Pardon?' Hairy nearly choked.  
'I hate it. I'm going to change it. My mother was a madwoman.'  
'Yes...' Hairy couldn't say much.  
'Well at least your parents were the world's best-known sadomasochists!'  
'What, really?' Hairy lifted a hand to his chest in shock. Why had no-one ever told him  
this? But then he recalled that the family he lived with were just inflatable bath toys, so it  
would have been impossible for them to have told him anything.  
'Don't you know? You--oh!' Hermuffonme slipped behind Hairy. 'Hide me! Say you  
haven't seen me, you don't know me!'  
'Why?' Roger looked forward. All he could see was students milling about.  
'That one! The one with the...the hair and the fancy clothes and all! He's been trying to  
get into my tights ever since I was shopping earlier!'  
'Oh, where do you shop?' Hairy tried to make out who she was talking about from her  
amazing description.  
'Horizont Alley, of course! It's where every student of sexual wizardry goes.'  
'I haven't been.'  
'We'll go on break, in a few weeks. I'm sure everyone will love you there.'  
'So who is this fellow you're hiding from?'  
Hermuffonme made a sour face. 'His name's Cumrag McLicken. And his favourite subject  
is himself.'  
As if on cue, the young man rolled up to Hairy and Roger with a sort of smug smile on his  
face. 'Well,' he purred, 'Hairy Pooper. I'd heard you were going to attend this year, but I  
could scarcely believe it. You know, if you'd like I can show you a thing or two. I've got a  
pretty impressive cock.'  
Hairy tried to speak up in return, but by the time he opened his mouth, Cumrag had  
already filled the gap with his own words. He talked and talked and talked. Hermuffonme  
hadn't been exaggerating; this boy really was in love with himself.  
So after a few minutes, Hairy did the only thing he could do. He shoved Roger forward  
and smiled to Cumrag. 'This is Roger. Why don't you show him your lordly length, and he  
can tell me about it later? I've got to get this novelty broomstick to the Toys 101 classroom  
\-- not been here a day yet, and they've already got me running errands, don't you know!'  
Roger looked back with eyes of quiet desperation. But then he looked back to Cumrag  
and had to admit, he wasn't a bad-looking fellow. Maybe if he could convince Cumrag to  
suck some cock, he could tolerate him since his mouth would be full.  
Hairy yanked Hermuffonme along before Cumrag could even notice.  
'Turn here,' Hermuffonme called to Hairy. 'We'll attend the welcoming speech, it should  
give you an idea of what to expect here.'  
'Oh, that's a good idea!' Though Hairy already had quite a good idea of what to expect,  
judging by what had happened already.  
And so the room they found themselves in was filled with other students, and red candles  
floated through the air, occasionally tormenting one student or other by dripping onto  
exposed flesh. It seemed altogether arbitrary, but it did at least give the room a magical, if  
ominous, sort of appearance. At the top of the room was a sort of dais, with another table  
there like the ones provided for the students, and behind the table sat older sorts.  
'Are those the teachers?' Hairy leaned closer to Hermuffonme.  
'Yes, that's the headmaster, Humblewhore. And beside him, that woman's Professor  
McGonadballs. Then there's Professor Quim, he's the instructor for Defence Against the  
Front-Farts.'  
'Front-Farts!' Hairy repeated in disbelief.  
'Well don't say it like that!' Hermuffonme hissed, trying to keep her voice down. 'It's all  
about making the best of a sometimes awkward situation.'  
Hairy gave an apologetic smile. 'Sorry, it's just...this is all so new to me.'  
'New to you? Someone of your heritage? Come now.'  
'Have done,' he answered, irreverent. 'Several times already.'  
'Anyway, and that's Professor Severed Snatch.'  
'That's horrible!'  
'Isn't it?' Hermuffonme leaned closer, so close the bristle-like spray of her hair tickled  
Hairy's ear. She looked a bit like a Klimt painting, in the sadistic candlelight. 'He's very  
bitchy, because his father wanted a girl, you see, and when he was born, his mother  
turned barren. So they blamed him.'  
'Still,' Hairy replied, 'you'd think he'd have changed his name by now. Seems like it would  
just be a reminder to make you bitter, doesn't it?'  
'And that's Professor Fizzledick, and there's Professor Squirt, she hangs about in the  
greenhouse most of the time, if you know what I mean...'  
Hairy stared blankly. Hermuffonme made a series of gestures with her hands, none of  
which meant anything to the young man. At last, she threw her hands up and continued.  
'And that's Professor Cooch.'  
'At least they're easy to remember names!'  
'Good everyday names.'  
'Right, nothing too strange.'  
'Hairy!' They both turned to see Roger, with some similarly red-headed boys around him.  
It looked like he had either assembled clones from different points on his timeline or  
formed a gang on the theme of hair colour. 'These are my brothers! I wanted to introduce  
you.'  
Hairy grinned, and Hermuffonme tried to put on a friendly enough face, which resulted  
in something between a glower and a scowl giving birth to a smile.  
'This is my oldest brother, Ball. And that's the next youngest, Cunlie. And that's Pussy,  
he's a Head Boy!'  
Hairy let his gaze linger only for a moment on each, as they were introduced. 'He looks it.'  
'And these are Head and Engorge,' Roger continued, motioning to the twins beside him.  
Each one hand a hand down the other's pants.  
'Gorge, for short!' One of them added, smiling to Hairy and then leaning in to snog his  
brother soundly.  
Roger sighed. 'I swear, you're all such over-achievers. All work and no play...! Anyway, this  
is my youngest brother, Jimmy.'  
Jimmy smiled to Hairy, looking at him and then looking away, a demure blush flickering  
across his cheeks. The ones on his face. 'Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pooper.'  
Hairy held up his hands. 'No, no, please -- call me Hairy!'  
Jimmy turned back, and his smile widened. He held out his hand, perhaps a little  
overwhelmed. 'I'm pleased to meet you.'  
'I hope...we can study together?' Hairy grinned, shaking Jimmy's hand, running the other  
through his own hair before he hurriedly released the hand and ruffled his hair back over  
his forehead. Had Jimmy seen the mark?  
'Me too.' Jimmy giggled and ran off.  
Roger just rolled his eyes. But before he could say anything, the headmaster had stood  
and walked up to the rostrum. His voice carried over the room, even despite the din from  
a thousand murmurings between the students.  
'Welcome to Hugetits School of Sexual Wizardry! You were all selected due to your  
immense, amazing gifts. The endowments you bear are truly noteworthy, and we hope to  
invite you to come with us this year, to reach your peak.'  
Everyone applauded, of course, and he smiled and continued on for some time. Hairy's  
mind began to wander, though, and so did his eyes. He settled on a few notable forms in  
the room. Who here would he become close to? Who would he fuck? Probably a vast  
number, and likely most in the name of scholastic excellence. He had completed school  
in what he could only call 'his former world' now, but this...this presented the tantalising  
promise of higher education.  
'And now all our new students will be sorted into houses. New students, please come to  
the front.'  
So Hairy, Roger, and Hermuffonme all shuffled up to the group that congregated.  
Hairy leaned closer to Hermuffonme. 'What's this sorting?'  
'It tells you which house you're supposed to be in.'  
'House?'  
'It's just a school thing. The houses all have something in common, a quality of character,  
so it makes living together more pleasant.'  
'Oh!' Hairy had to admit, that sounded pretty nice. At least he wouldn't be tossed into a  
place where his room-mate made him want to scream and claw the walls. 'So how do they  
figure that out?'  
'The Sorting Wand!'  
'Oh!' Hairy repeated, feeling silly. 'I should've figured, magic and all.'  
'Yes, you just sit on it, and then it tells you what house!'  
'Wait, you do what?'  
But she couldn't answer, as she was next on it. And Hairy watched, eyes wide, as  
Hermuffonme demonstrated that the carpet, so to speak, matched the drapes. He  
couldn't actually make out anything beyond the prodigious hair, but he imagined it must  
not have been too bad.  
When his turn came, he looked at it: the Sorting Wand was in fact a dildo. A wand, to be  
sure, of sorts. But he hadn't really had much of anything up his ass before, and he wasn't  
sure if he really wanted to start now.  
The headmaster took a step closer and, smiling warmly, nodded to Hairy. He looked a bit  
like Father Christmas, but...much more muscular than he would have imagined Father  
Christmas, and with a more conspicuous bulge under the robes. A Father Christmas he  
wouldn't mind coming down his chimney.  
'Hairy Pooper,' the older man gently, affectionately spoke, 'this is your destiny. This is  
your heritage. Reach around...and take it.'  
Hairy was resolved. He smiled up at Humblewhore and gave a resolute nod, stepping  
over, pushing his trousers down...and sitting, all at once. Some of the students gasped,  
others grinned, and still more cheered. Hairy couldn't really feel it going in, but his head  
swimmed as if he had been entranced. Images flashed around his head, and for a  
moment he recalled that instant, long ago...long before now...when he had walked in on  
his parents having sex.  
It wasn't even just plain missionary, it was really kinky. And now he knew, it must have  
been because they were sexual wizards. They knew the techniques, they knew the ways;  
they were special. He was special. A tear rolled down his cheek.  
Then, suddenly, a giant cat strode into his field of vision. It was like one of those hairless  
cats, with all the strange folds of skin, except some spindly, wiry whiskers curled out from  
it. It was such a strange sight to see. And then a lime green jelly dildo like a drunken  
serpent wobbled beside it. The two fought for some time, and Hairy sat transfixed.  
It wasn't like he could have done anything; he had a solid cock up his ass and didn't dare  
move, for fear of losing it up there. It was magical, after all; he had no way of knowing if it  
could insert all the way. And he figured it must be extremely expensive, anyway.  
'Hairy Pooper, you will be in House Gryphon-Whore,' the headmaster announced.  
Hairy snapped out of his trance and stood, feeling at last as he was left empty. He missed  
the Sorting Wand suddenly, missed the image, the only thing he recalled of his parents.  
But he pulled his trousers up and went to stand with Roger and Hermuffonme.  
'We're Gryphon-Whores too!' Roger bubbled, throwing his arms around his new best  
friend.  
Hermuffonme bounced excitedly, nodding her head, which made it look almost like it  
might just fly off in any direction. 'It's quite the best house, I think.'  
To pass the time whilst the others were sorted into their own houses, Hairy nudged  
Hermuffonme. 'What are the other houses exactly?' He knew she would regurgitate  
whatever she knew, which seemed to be an inordinate amount for someone who had only  
just arrived. He didn't question it.  
'Well there's Gryphon-Whore, of course. Its symbol is the pussy.'  
Hairy gasped, despite himself.  
'That cat, up there.' She pointed to one of the banners.  
'Yes, I...I know. I just...I had this vision of it. And this...this huge great bright green...'  
'That's the symbol of Slipitin!' She frantically gestured to the nearby banner, depicting  
the serpentine sex toy gyrating wildly. 'You mean you saw them? That's amazing! Exactly  
what I'd have expected from the great Pooper family.'  
Hairy felt suddenly very conspicuous. He cleared his throat and slipped his hands into his  
pockets. 'And the other houses?'  
'Well,' Hermuffonme eased back into the topic, 'there's Huffamuff, whose symbol is the  
beaver,' and she gestured to the appropriate banner, then to the next, 'and last but not  
least Ragingcock, whose symbol is a panty pad...with wings!'  
Hairy found it all extraordinary. But before anything else could pass between them, it was  
the headmaster's time to speak again. He thanked them all and sent them on their way, to  
their new homes in the dormitories. Up winding stairs and down corridors, and finally  
behind a massive painting.  
'What were all those...ghosts? Were they ghosts?' Hairy turned to Roger. 'Do you know?'  
'Oh, there are ghosts all around!' He answered. 'Some of them have been here for  
centuries.'  
'Do they not have anything better to do?'  
'Apparently not,' Roger replied, tossing his suitcase onto the bed and then leaping on it  
himself, to bounce in place. 'I've heard they mostly just like to watch, although there are  
some who...participate.'  
'Really? Ghosts?'  
'It's true!' Hermuffonme called from the bed next to Roger's. 'Some of them are  
authorities in their field. I hope to be able to consult at least a few of them. I've made a  
list.'  
Hairy had no doubt that she had. She seemed to be the type who had prepared her entire  
life for this school that he had only just found out about yesterday through what he had  
thought were porn mailers. How things change!  
'So...tell me about these ghosts.' Hairy began to unpack his case, placing his clothes  
haphazardly in the spacious bureau next to the bed.  
Roger hopped to his feet and began to unpack too. 'Well there's Masturbating Madoc, of  
course, the best-known. If you hear him wanking, cover your face.'  
Hairy grimaced.  
'And there's Penis the Poltergeist, he's a bit of a prick.'  
Then Hairy grinned.  
'Moaning Mona, but all she ever does is moan. No-one really knows why. Then there's the  
Fucking Friar, but he's a bit particular. The Butt Baron, but he mostly haunts the upper  
levels. The Gay Lady.'  
'Do they not have other names? These sound like code-names or something.'  
'I don't know.'  
Hermuffonme jumped into the conversation again. 'Of course they do, but most of the  
time they've become so widely-known by their aliases that it's just easier to go by that.'  
'So what do we do now?' Hairy settled down to sit atop his bed. It was a comfortable bed,  
and the bedclothes nice and soft and warm. He could tell he would enjoy his time here.  
'We sleep and get ready for our first day tomorrow!' Hermuffonme busily arranged  
differently-sized and differently-coloured phallic toys in a row on her bedside table. Some  
had glitter in them.  
Hairy nodded and settled back, kicking off his shoes. He lazily began to undress.  
Tomorrow would be a good day.  
In the middle of the night, of course, Roger slipped into Hairy's bed and clung to him,  
frightened not of the dark -- since magical lights glowed softly to prevent it from being  
pitch-black -- but of bad dreams that he was convinced Hairy would fend off. And so,  
even though the bed was only just big enough for the both of them, they ended up asleep  
again until morning.  
The first class was pleasant enough, Sexual Charms with Professor Fizzledick. Quite a  
capable man, one of great skill and talent, but with the unfortunate tendency, as some  
men of his age do have, for a truly unflattering moustache. Added to that the massive  
wiggling mass down his trouser leg, and the lesson proved less enlightening than it  
otherwise might.  
But they learnt of the basic, most useful incantations, and some that were rarer or less  
useful, and of course the forbidden ones as well. The first was Expellanus, an extremely  
valuable spell to have in case a toy or other smaller object should be lost in inconvenient  
places. A diverse incantation, it also allowed for more hardcore implementations, to be  
discussed in specialty courses.  
Then came the great Wankhardium Lubiosa, to energise, to lubricate, and to heighten  
sensation; a favourite for everyone. Refucto allowed a number of effects but was primarily  
meant to replicate previous, fondly-recalled orgasms. The Aquamenses spell, also, got a  
mention as one that only about half of the students would be able to wield anyway.  
The forbidden and restricted spells fascinated so many of the learners, as they listened  
closely. Perhaps it also had something to do with Fizzledick standing behind a lectern  
instead of strolling around with whiplike shifting below the waist.  
There was Coochiatus, which delved into the arts of vaginamancy, and for this reason it  
was carefully monitored; a backfire could be disastrous. Expecto Penis was much the  
same, except with phallomancy, and suddenly the air was abuzz with the possibilities.  
That was what Fizzledick liked to see: a curious, intelligent, probing student body.  
And at last, the most devastating of curses, the most dangerous of spells: Invader  
Kadonga, able to produce a massive buttplug in anyone, instantly. Even Expellanus often  
was not enough to withdraw it, and the plug would stimulate all of the pleasure centres at  
once, overwhelming the sexual wizard and rendering him or her utterly useless.  
Hermuffonme looked gravely to Roger and Hairy. She clenched her fist. She would be the  
master of her discipline. She would find a way.  
The other courses were as expected: Snatch's Sexual Potions class proved interesting, but  
of course he was about as socially adept as a compulsive vomit fetishist; then there was  
Squirt's Sexual Botany and Whoreticulture, a bit of a letdown as mandrakes weren't at all  
like Hairy thought from the name; Cooch's instruction especially resonated with  
Hermuffonme, and the boys found it interesting enough; and then there was the last of  
the day, Quim's Defence Against the Front-Farts, surprisingly excellent.  
As the course ended, Hairy went to join his friends in leaving the room, but a hand on his  
shoulder stopped him. He turned and smiled as Quim smiled at him, the kind-looking  
professor dressed in his curious beadlike hat and the robes with the rounded, almost  
floor-length lapels flared out.  
Hermuffonme and Roger were distracted by Knobble Lushbottom showing off his toad,  
but even the charming, slightly buck-toothed boy could not stop them from thinking that  
something was missing. And then it hit them.  
'Hairy!' Roger looked around. 'I'll bet he'd love to see your toad!'  
Hermuffonme laughed, nodding and taking Roger's arm. 'We'll go fetch him. Don't go  
away!'  
But when they went back into the classroom, there was no sign of their friend and  
classmate.  
'Does it feel kind of...I don't know...wrong to you in here, somehow?'  
Roger nodded. 'It feels a little...evil? Or maybe it's just that 'front-farts' was said so much  
in here, it makes me think of them every time I look around.'  
Hermuffonme pursed her lips. 'I'm sure that's not it. Wait, look!'  
She crossed the room to the teacher's desk and pointed dramatically to it. 'There! It's a  
message!'  
Roger leaned over her shoulder, squinting at the book's page, which had indeed been  
scrawled on, but it didn't seem to make any sense. 'Is it?'  
'Written by someone with his back turned, who was visualising his writing in his mind  
and never had a chance to look it over!' Hermuffonme seemed insistent about this, and as  
usual was excitable about something relatively obscure, so Roger felt he should let her  
enjoy her victory. 'Fortunately I'm an expert in this. I'll have it deciphered in no time.'  
True to her word, soon they were shooting down a series of corridors with Knobble in  
tow. 'Because three's lucky,' Hermuffonme had said, 'and if we get lost, we can always  
practise our forms.'  
They managed to get past the three-seater dong this way, which would only open the way  
for three orifices simultaneously on them. Only one person in the history of Hugetits had  
ever accomplished the challenge alone, and tragically her spine never recovered. But the  
three intrepid students easily rose to the task and moved past the heavy stone door as it  
opened.  
They raced down the path, which opened up into a smoky, poorly-lit room. On the other  
side Hairy was dragged, stunned, through another door by Quim, whose face had  
contorted into a half-comical, half-horrifying image of two tiny, eyes with a seemingly  
impossible dark glow and a vertical mouth with teeth lining the sides.  
Before they could get through the door, a table popped up with a tatty red cloth on it, and  
a ghost sat on the far side, shuffling a deck of cards, wearing clothes that once must have  
been dandy and a visor on his forehead.  
'So...are you playing, or did you want to stop here?'  
'We don't have time for this!' Hermuffonme huffed, turning to the others. Knobble  
shrugged.  
The broomlike girl sighed and resigned herself to it. 'Fine, what's your game?'  
The ghost grinned up at the three students, and three chairs appeared. 'Strip poker.  
Winner takes all.'  
The game was rigged, Hermuffonme was convinced. But this also proved a learning  
experience, and she found out very quickly that she was absolute crap at it. There were  
few things in her life that she ever allowed herself to be considered 'lousy' in doing, but  
she was down to panties and stockings whilst Knobble wore only his shirt and waistcoat  
and Roger had lost a single sock.  
'There, I win again!' Roger put down his hand. 'That's right, isn't it?'  
The ghost choked, even though he didn't really need to breathe. 'Beginner's luck!' He  
grumbled and sat back, folding his phantasmal arms over his chest. 'Fine then. A deal's a  
deal.'  
The door opened, and for a moment they hesitated. But enough time had been wasted,  
and they all continued on through it, regardless of states of undress.  
Knobble was well-named, Hermuffonme reflected as the constant waving at of the corner  
of her eye caught her attention.  
At last they finally came upon the vast room with a large mirror at the opposite side of it.  
The monstrous Quim cackled over Hairy, who had been stripped entirely and stood,  
glassy-eyed and gazing into the mirror, stroking himself.  
'Yes -- yes! And once you've done it, Lord Mouldyparts shall return in full and claim this  
world for his own!'  
Lord Mouldyparts! It would have meant nothing to Hairy, who seemed to have a curious  
lack of information about the world of sexual wizards, but to the other three it was like a  
bucket slamming ice-water into their faces. The most twisted and corrupt of the sexual  
wizards! He had been defeated in the past, in the 80s at that, at a terrible cost: porn for  
years was cursed with bad hair and dodgy sets, lack of plot and immersion, and a tawdry  
sort of plasticine artifice. It could not be allowed to happen again.  
Hermuffonme started to cast a spell, but then she realised -- her wand! She'd left it back  
in the room with her skirt. Blast! Without a focus, it would be that much more difficult.  
'Roger! Cast Refucto on Quim -- quickly!'  
Roger obediently fumbled for his wand, but Quim was faster. With a simple gesture, he  
blew the man's clothes off and then Roger lay on the floor, writhing with a dozen  
disembodied penises having their way with him.  
'The Japanese moesugi curse!' Hermuffonme could scarcely believe the evidence of her  
eyes. Only a handful of people in the whole world had ever been known to master that  
rare and exotic spell.  
Quim cackled madly as Hairy drew closer to the inevitable. They had to stop him! And so  
Hermuffonme reached out and began stroking Knobble furiously.  
The lad squeaked and at first tried to smack her hands away, but he ended up just  
standing awkwardly as he rose to attention below the waist.  
'I need a wand,' Hermuffonme breathed, 'and this, in a pinch, will do just fine!  
Expellanus!'  
The bolt hit Quim, but it was enough only to turn his face back to the human appearance,  
as a shimmering black power around him deflected the energy away. But not to be  
stopped, it smashed into the mirror, then bounced into Hairy.  
Hairy's eyes cleared as a black buttplug shot back and hit Quim in the stomach.  
'What...where am I? What happened?' He suddenly felt a chill. 'Why am I naked?!'  
Hermuffonme, with Knobble in tow and protesting, rushed over. 'Hairy, you must find  
the power within you! You've got to stop Quim, he's going to try and bring back  
Mouldyparts!'  
'That sounds terribly unsanitary!' Hairy frowned and put his hands to his forehead.  
Somehow it all seemed so familiar. Mouldyparts...Mouldyparts...he knew that name. He  
knew the face. The vertical mouth, the appalling nosejob, the tiny little eyes...had he  
been there? That night when Hairy saw his parents, with the strap-on and the harness?  
'Hairy, get a hold of yourself! You must use your wand, it's the only one that can do it!'  
'I'll have you know--' Knobble started, but he went silent with a squeeze by  
Hermuffonme.  
Hairy nodded once and started to pump his length, walking closer to Quim and waddling  
a bit, from side to side.  
Quim raised his arms. 'No...no! I have served you, Lord Mouldyparts...do not let this  
happen! Do not let it be!'  
His screams filled the air as Hairy's thick seed strung across his face, and he vanished in a  
spray of light consumed by an almost alive shadow.  
'Hairy!' Hermuffonme rushed forward to wrap her arms around him.  
Knobble smiled, partially because apparently the threat was past, partially because he  
had feeling in his penis again. And Roger picked himself up and looked himself over, the  
ability for coherent thought slowly returning to him.  
Hairy smiled to the others, giving Hermuffonme a hug back and looking down to where  
Quim had been. All that remained was a vaguely vagina-looking scorch mark.  
'I think we'd better tell Mr. Humblewhore what happened,' he quietly stated. 'He'll know  
better than us what to do.'  
So they retraced their steps, collected their clothes and put them back on, and then at last  
walked the prohibitively lengthy path to the top of the building. And there was  
Humblewhore's office, and they marvelled at every aspect of it.  
Roger gasped as he spotted what he thought at first was another of the creatures that had  
been flung at him by Quim's spell, but then he saw its magnificent wingspan and knew it  
could only be the headmaster's own pet.  
'Fucks, my familiar,' Humblewhore called out, and the giant winged penis alighted upon  
his forearm. 'It's most unexpected that you should come here without being sent,' the  
older man smiled, eyes twinkling. 'What can I do for you?'  
So Hermuffonme explained what had happened at length, and the kindly headmaster  
offered them brightly-coloured sweets. These were Squirty Butts Jellies, sought-after by  
every student, second only to the Chocolate Log, a crunchy, nutty treat with a special  
collectors' card in every packet. The flavours were random and assorted of the jellies, and  
Knobble got a pleasant Lime. Hairy was pleased to get Passionfruit, though  
Hermuffonme got Used Panties, however, and she was less enthusiastic about that; Roger  
got Urine, which was about par for the course, he figured.  
'This is serious,' Humblewhore brought Fucks to his perch and let him hop off. 'I shall  
have to go to the Ministry of Sex again and take them to task. This shouldn't have  
happened. Things should never have reached this point!'  
He turned to the younger people, looking all of them in the eyes. 'I'm going to rely on you  
to keep me posted. I don't want you to take any unnecessary chances, but just in case, I  
want you to study from this book.'  
Reaching into his robes, he pulled out a small black book that he presented to  
Hermuffonme, who took it carefully in her hands and flipped it open.  
'Phone numbers and addresses?'  
'Oh, no, sorry. Wrong one.' Humblewhore snatched it up and replaced it with another  
book of similar size, though this one had deep red for a cover.  
Hermuffonme's eyes flashed over the pages, and she began to grin. 'This is marvellous!  
I've wanted to study these spells all my life!'  
'I'm entrusting that book to you. The group of you. You must keep it a secret between us,  
but you must learn it. The learning will protect you.'  
'I promise, sir.' Hermuffonme stood straight and clasped the book to her chest.  
Hairy smiled. 'Thank you sir.'  
They left the office, with the headmaster slipping Hermuffonme and Roger a pair of  
lemon sherbets.  
The next day, there was a commotion at the door. Curious to see what it was, Hairy and  
Roger stole away to find a too-pretty blond man surrounded by several students. He  
seemed awfully dramatic, wearing a cape and everything. And they were shocked to  
notice Hermuffonme rubbing her breasts (such as they were) along the man's pant leg.  
'There, there, you will all have the opportunity to touch me and even to taste me at a later  
date!' He smiled the kind of smile that normally takes extensive airbrushing, waving to all  
of the students crowded around him. 'Hello there, you two handsome fellows. Would you  
like a collectors' card?'  
'Oh. Er...' Hairy had no idea who the man was, besides handsome and possibly self-absorbed. 'Actually I'm here for a friend of mine.'  
'Sure!' Roger answered. He didn't see his brothers anywhere in the crowd, so he figured  
this would be something he could have that they hadn't ruined before he could get his  
hands on it.  
The man gave them each a card anyway, signing it and then moving on. Once he was out  
of earshot, Hairy leaned closer to Roger. 'Er...who is that?'  
'He's Dilderboy Cockhard! One of the world's most famous sexual wizards!' Roger leaned  
closer to Hairy. 'I'm surprised you've not heard of him -- and look, he's written a message  
on the back of yours!'  
Sure enough, there was a message in his unnecessarily elaborate script: 'come up and see  
me'. Hairy wasn't exactly sure whether to be intrigued or appalled. After all, they had just  
met and hadn't actually been introduced. Then again, this was a school of sexual  
wizardry, and independent study was encouraged.  
Hairy had to admit, it made sense: Cockhard had taken over Defence Against the Front-Farts, a position vacated by the unexpectedly evil Professor Quim. Hairy walked into the  
classroom, to the sight of Cockhard naked and draped with his cape, a rose in his teeth.  
He hurriedly shut the door behind him.  
'Mister Hairy Pooper,' Cockhard called out, sitting up and showing off every contour of  
his sleek body. And suddenly Hairy could understand what those other students saw in  
him, or perhaps more accurately, what they saw him putting in them. 'It's a pleasure. Can  
I show you something? Take something out for you?'  
Before Hairy even answered, Cockhard had begun undressing him. And before he really  
even knew what was happening, he found himself bent over the desk, getting something  
straight between him and the teacher. He supposed extra credit wasn't so bad, even if it  
happened to be before class began.  
But after it all, he basked in the afterglow for only a moment. Suddenly Hairy sat up and  
went for his clothes.  
'Something the matter?' Cockhard flicked his long platinum hair over his shoulder.  
'I've just...really got to use the toilet.' Hairy's cheeks coloured. 'I feel like I'm going to have  
an accident if I don't. I'll be back later...sir.' Grinning, he waved over his shoulder and  
scrambled out, half-dressed, into the great hall.  
Cockhard slowly grinned, leaning back against the desk, still wearing only the cape. Yes,  
this wouldn't be difficult. Not difficult at all.  
Hairy raced down the hallway back towards the Gryphon-Whore dorms. Why did the  
bathroms have to be so bizarrely-placed? He stumbled as he nearly bowled over Jimmy  
Wienersley, knocking a small, thin book from his hands.  
'Ah -- sorry! I've really got to go!'  
'Oh, I'm sorry...I thought you could help me.' Jimmy looked around. 'Where's my journal?  
It's very important!'  
Hairy grabbed his crotch and looked around frantically. Spotting the book, he plucked it  
up and held it out, dancing from one foot to the other and smiling hopefully to Jimmy.  
'Thank you!' Jimmy smiled and of course blushed, hugging it to his chest. 'You're so kind.  
Would you like to do some extracurricular work with me this afternoon?'  
'Do you have a chamberpot?' Hairy squeezed his own cock a little tighter.  
Jimmy's eyebrows went up immediately. 'I...think there's one in the dormitories. For  
emergencies. Do you have problems like this often?'  
Hairy made a gesture for Jimmy to lead the way, which he did. The two rushed to his  
room in the Gryphon-Whore dormitory, one that Hairy had never seen, and after only a  
little searching, Jimmy presented an antiquated chamberpot.  
Hairy reached down, fumbling hurriedly with his pants, and nearly tore the button off as  
he all but ripped them open, feeling a warm wetness make a damp spot in the fabric. But  
all was well as he drew out his length and relieved himself, and copiously, into the  
chamberpot. Jimmy's eyes grew wide in amazement.  
'I've never seen anyone produce that much before! Is this your special gift?'  
Hairy shivered with relief, and only belatedly did the question sink in. 'Huh? No, I guess I  
just...must have lost track of time. I was...talking with Professor Cockhard.'  
'You've met Dilderboy Cockhard?!' Jimmy looked at Hairy with wide eyes.  
'Yes, we've met.' Hairy smiled, adding to that in his mind. Met, fucked on several desks  
including his own, and swapped enough spit to rehydrate a meal.  
After setting the chamberpot aside, Jimmy reached down to wrap his fingers gingerly  
around Hairy's length. 'Tell me all about it.'  
This proved to be a challenge, and a tricky one, especially with how good Jimmy was at  
first handjobs, then blowjobs, as he sank his mouth around Hairy's arousal. But Hairy  
relayed the story, trying to make it seem as dull as possible and politely omitting all the  
sex. He knew how it could get, with celebrities; say you've done it and suddenly you're the  
worst thing to happen.  
Just as Hairy gave Jimmy a sticky mouthful, Roger rushed in and nearly fell over skidding  
to a stop. 'Hairy!' he called out. 'It's Hermuffonme! She's...she's...'  
All three hurried to the infirmary, where Hermuffonme lay writhing with a blanket  
covering her. Her face was locked in an expression of ecstasy, and it seemed she could not  
see the world around her at all.  
'What happened?' Hairy was appalled. He had never seen anything like this.  
'No-one knows! But she was clutching something when it happened, when they brought  
her in.' Roger passed the things to Hairy.  
He looked at the items in his hands. 'A magnifying glass and a drawing of a todger? What  
is this, some sort of joke?'  
Roger leaned closer. 'That's a giant snake, isn't it?'  
'It's a one-eyed snake,' Hairy commented, rather unimpressed. 'Is this supposed to be  
some sort of message? I know I'm not that massive, Hermuffonme, but I do know how to  
use what I've got...'  
'You certainly do,' Jimmy commented, with a petite grin.  
Roger rolled his eyes and picked up the paper, holding it to the light. 'Wouldn't the  
message be that even if it's small, it's giving her this much pleasure? Like an  
encouragement?'  
'I don't know. This just seems like a mishap you'd imagine would happen at a school like  
this. Maybe she was just playing around with that book and something went wrong.'  
Roger waved his hands at Hairy, who shut his mouth at once. Jimmy looked between the  
two of them.  
'I know -- I'll ask my diary!' He smiled and held up the book that Hairy had knocked from  
his hands before. 'I don't know where it came from, but it's like having the most  
wonderful pen pal, who can answer immediately when you write!'  
'Oh,' Hairy replied, 'like the internet.'  
But in the subsequent conversation it was revealed that neither of them had any idea  
what the internet was. For some unknowable reason, despite control of the universe at  
their fingertips, they couldn't magic up a computer and a wireless connection. Perhaps,  
thought Hairy, this wasn't surprising; his cell phone that he had used when in his own  
world often seemed unpredictable to the point of mysticism. Maybe they just couldn't get  
the signal for it.  
Jimmy wrote in the book and waited, and right before their eyes came a response.  
'Oh...he says we should investigate the secret chamber.'  
'Is that a euphemism?' Hairy looked between the siblings.  
Roger's brow flattened. 'Who is this diary? I mean...who are you communicating with? It  
could be anyone! Have you even traded pictures yet?'  
'I just got the book the other day!'  
'I'm just saying, you seem awfully familiar with it!'  
'As a matter of fact, his name is Dick Diddle! And he used to be a student here.'  
'Dick Diddle...' Roger shook his head. 'I don't know him.'  
'It was a long time ago.' Jimmy explained. 'I think he wasn't very happy here. So he ended  
up turning to solitary studies.'  
'Hey. Hey, I have an idea.' Hairy snapped his fingers. 'Hermuffonme said the  
groundskeeper knows a lot about old alumni. Why don't I go and ask him about Diddle?'  
'Boobieus Flaccid? I've heard he's mad and not too bright!' Roger blurted out, which met  
with an elbow to the ribs by his younger brother.  
'That sounds good, Hairy. Roger and I will try to find this secret chamber.'  
'There's got to be hundreds of secret chambers in a place like this!' Roger threw his hands  
up. 'How are we supposed to know which one? Why don't you just ask your creepy diary  
friend?'  
'He is not creepy!' Jimmy instantly retorted, then found himself unable to defend this in  
any way. 'He's just old and possibly dead!'  
By the time they actually thought to look, Hairy had long since gone. He made his way  
out to the twin huts -- they rather looked like a pair of tits, appropriately -- sitting a  
garden away from a mass of thicket. Would this groundskeeper really be able to help? He  
rather doubted it, but something about the name Dick Diddle really stuck in his  
proverbial craw. He couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness.  
'Mr. Flaccid!' He called out, knocking on the door as politely as he knew how. 'I've a  
question for you!'  
The man came to the door, looking a bit as if someone had thrown a carpet over an  
otherwise very large figure. It took a few moments for Hairy to realise that he was naked,  
because it was impossible to make out most of the shape of his body.  
'Yar, whadderye wan' from me then ye wee boyo?'  
It took Hairy at least a two minutes to figure out what he had been asked, or that he had  
been asked a question in the first place. 'I just had a question about a former student,' he  
explained. 'His name's Dick Diddle. I was wondering if you knew--'  
Before Hairy could even finish the sentence, Flaccid shouted with his arms thrown out.  
'Tha' bastard Diddle fair ruined thi' place and'll tell'ee ter steer away from aught o'tha', 'll  
tell'ee.'  
Another couple of minutes ticked by as Hairy's etymological analysis cranked out another  
rudimentary translation. 'Thank you. Er, you wouldn't happen to know about a secret  
chamber, would you? A specific one Diddle might have referenced?'  
Flaccid screwed one eye shut and peered at Hairy with the other. 'Wha're ye up te, lad?  
Ye're no plannin' anythin' untoward're ye?'  
'No, no, it's just...a friend of mine...came into possession of this diary, and he was asking    
about another friend who seems to have been incapacitated, she's just...overwhelmed  
with ecstasy. She's even in the infirmary, and she doesn't even notice when we visit, it's  
like we're not even there...'  
'The diary! The secret chamber! The har'ness!'  
'The what?'  
'The har'ness!' Flaccid repeated. 'Whan ye catch a glimpse o'the great one-eyed snake tha'  
lives in the secret chamber, yer body's taken o'er wi' the har'ness!'  
As he became more familiar with the manner of speaking, Hairy found the other man  
slowly easier to understand. 'You mean hardness? But she's a girl...'  
'Aye, come wi' me.' Flaccid grabbed an overcoat from next to the door and pulled it on,  
then stepped into huge boots. It wasn't much, but it covered him. Not that he really  
needed it, except for his curiously bare buttocks.  
Once they got to the infirmary, Flaccid pulled back the covers to reveal  
Hermuffonme...with a massive bulge behind her sticky skirt. 'Ye see! Behol', the har'ness!'  
'Then it works on everyone.'  
'Well ye gotta thin' abou'it ye know, the cli'oris's pretty much like tha'...'  
'But this is turned up to eleven! That's like...that's just...'  
'Someone's let the snake out of the secret chamber.'  
Hairy frowned and stalked to the door. 'Why does everything around here sound like a  
euphemism?!'  
His steps echoed in the halls as he made his way intently towards Humblewhore's office.  
If anyone could help him, he felt sure it was the kindly headmaster. He turned a corner  
and then froze in horror: there, on the floor, lay Roger. Or, more accurately, there wiggled  
Roger with a massive tent in his trousers and a damp spot that could easily be assumed.  
On the wall, painted in...something, read a message.  
'Jimmy the lock'.  
This was beginning to grate on Hairy's nerves. But he was determined now, determined  
to get some answers. He jogged back to the infirmary and Flaccid, who had not moved  
from the spot.  
'Roger's been hardened,' he called to one of the medics. 'Go get him, he's in the first hall  
to the left!' Then he crossed to the groundskeeper. 'We're going to have to find that secret  
chamber, or else Jimmy's going to be in trouble or who knows what.'  
'Ah, but ye need a good wizard who can cast. I'm good a'bush and brush but no so keen  
wi'a wand.'  
'Well, shit.' Hairy scowled, turning to the door. Who did he know that he could go to?  
The discovery of Roger made him recall that Humblewhore was out of the school, to visit  
the Ministry of Sex...they wouldn't be able to rely on him to intervene. But there was one  
other option. 'Where is this secret chamber, and how do I get there? Tell me now!'  
'Oh, 's the girls' lavat'ry.'  
Hairy waited, anticipating more. When it did not arrive to his ears, he leaned forward  
and raised his brows. 'It's in the girls' lavatory. It's called the secret chamber and it's in the  
girls' lavatory.'  
'Is the girls' lavat'ry.'  
'The secret chamber is the girls' lavatory.'  
Sensing the disbelief in Hairy's tone, Flaccid continued. 'Ha' ye ever been innit? 's a place  
o'secrets and intrigue! Makeup makes a face different, secrets ge' whispered, who knows  
wha' they do wi' them duchies and panty pads and allat. There's even a couch innit, ye  
mark my words!'  
Hairy tore off out of the room and up the stairs, stalking past the nurse trying to get  
Roger walked back to the infirmary whilst the boy gurgled pleasureably.  
Bursting into the classroom, Hairy hurried to the desk. 'Cockhard! You've got to help --the one-eyed snake's escaped the secret chamber!' He paused, wincing at how that  
sounded. 'I know it sounds ridiculous, but you've got to help me!'  
Cockhard set down his quilled pen at once, leaping to his feet. 'Then Dilderboy Cockhard  
shall rise to the occasion! You have nothing to fear, my beloved boy!' With a kiss to  
Hairy's lips, the flamboyant professor pulled his cape on and opened the slender box  
containing his elaborate wand decked in gold filigree. It looked like whoever designed it  
had some sort of issue with knowing where to stop.  
They ran together, side by side, and it wasn't until they made their way into the girls'  
bathroom that Hairy slowed and stared in Cockhard's direction.  
'Wait a moment...how did you know it was the girls' lavatory?'  
'Ah, that.' Cockhard turned, with a grin. 'Well, I've been doing some research of my own,  
and--'  
'You let it out, didn't you!' Hairy waved his wand in Cockhard's direction, but the blond  
older man only flicked the tip of his tongue at it.  
'Don't wave it around if you're not willing to use it.'  
'Don't toy with me!'  
Cockhard sighed and shrugged, as if he had just been hassled in the most insignificant of  
ways. 'Look, it's just a little over-arousal. This is a unique opportunity to study the snake.  
There's not another known like it in the world, and I thought that I could take this  
opportunity to chalk up another brilliant triumph by the super-talent, Dilderboy  
Cockhard!' He turned his piercing blue eyes to Hairy. 'Don't you want that for me? For  
us?'  
'Us?' Hairy raised a brow, taken by surprise at the question.  
'You didn't think I was just stringing you along, did you?'  
That was unexpected. Hairy cleared his throat and fidgeted, a little awkwardly. But then  
something popped back into his head.  
'What about Jimmy?'  
'I don't know,' Cockhard frowned. 'What about Jimmy?'  
Then it occurred to Hairy that he hadn't said anything. 'You don't already know?'  
The blond man shook his head.  
'Then...it wasn't you.' Hairy reflected on this. No, it couldn't have been Cockhard anyway,  
he decided. The man may have been a lot of things -- an opportunist, a narcissist, a living  
example of hyperbole -- but a villainous mastermind wasn't one of them.  
Hairy scrambled around the room.  
'What are you doing?' Cockhard was quick on his heels. 'What are you looking for? I can't  
help you if you don't tell me!'  
'We've got to get to the secret chamber! Jimmy may be in danger! He was missing, and  
there was a message..."Jimmy the lock", whatever that means.'  
Cockhard smirked and took Hairy's wrist, tugging him along to the back of the room,  
past the toilet stalls, to a room marked 'janitor'. He kicked the door open and, behind it,  
stretched out a room with the remains of a massive statue in it: two muscular legs, and  
nothing more. A pool surrounded it, although Hairy wouldn't have liked to guess what it  
consisted of, and the one-eyed snake slithered slowly out and up, between the stone-carved legs.  
'Don't worry,' Cockhard murmured in Hairy's direction. 'It trusts me, anyway. Don't you?'  
The snake made no verbal response, probably because it wasn't able to speak English. But  
it also made no move to attack them.  
'It does,' another voice spoke up from the shadows. 'But I don't. And I believe you've  
served your usefulness for now, Cockhard.'  
'Who's there?' Hairy wheeled around, only to find the door closed and a young man,  
about his age, standing there.  
Blackest hair, deep dark eyes, and not a stitch on. In any other circumstances, he might be  
attractive, sexy even. But in these, he looked a little imposing. Nearly frightening.  
'Dick Diddle.' Hairy suddenly stammered, knowing in his heart of hearts that this was  
the one, this was the man, the former student that had once owned Jimmy's diary.  
And this other man tilted his head with a smile. 'That's me. And now I've charmed Jimmy  
here...you've brought Cockhard and yourself...I think we can tie up the loose ends.'  
'I'm beginning to think this school has more problems than it's willing to admit.'  
'You have no idea.' Diddle reached down to cup Hairy's crotch. 'Now you can either  
submit willingly...or I can let the snake make you all hardened and helpless before me.  
Which are you going to do?'  
Cockhard, however, didn't waste time. As much of a charlatan as he might be, he at least  
did have some talent and skill, and most of that was invested in his charm. By that time,  
he had coaxed the snake over and rode astride it, pointing dramatically to the others.  
'It's reckoning time, Dick Diddle! You underestimated me! And what's more, you've  
underestimated my magic.'  
Diddle just sighed, looking up first at the snake, then at the man astride it. The snake  
looked almost embarrassed, but Cockhard, naturally, met the gaze with panache.  
'You do realise your little bladder spell doesn't work on ghosts, right? And I'm a ghost. I  
don't pee.' And then his eyes went snakelike, and he grinned evilly, gesturing to the man  
and snake. 'But I do reverse magic.'  
Cockhard's face fell, and he gurgled at once. The snake's back became very warm, but it  
didn't seem to care much. It couldn't really care much, wallowing around in the stagnant  
water of the pool there. This was just another mystery liquid to it, one in a series of many.  
'Leave him alone!' Hairy reached out for the other man his age, taking his shoulders. They  
were so firm, so solid, for being a ghost. 'What...how...how did you even do that? How are  
you so...'  
'So physical?' Diddle gestured, and Hairy flew back against the wall, coughing. 'It has to  
do with Jimmy's inborn talent, and of course my own. I knew old Cockhard there couldn't  
resist the temptation, so I arranged for him to hear about the snake here. He used his  
little pee spell to make students have to be in the toilets when he took the snake in and  
out, so there were no witnesses. And meanwhile, I charmed Jimmy through the diary. It is  
so easy to charm those I need to serve me.'  
Hairy picked himself up, sore all over. But he knew he couldn't risk a spell against the  
fiend. Cockhard wibbled atop the snake, awash in his own urine and seemingly unable to  
stop. Diddle had no pity.  
'I'm going to possess your body, Hairy. And then we're going to fuck Jimmy and take his  
cherry so hard, we'll have just what we need to bring back...Lord Mouldyparts!'  
That name again! Hairy's memories flashed before his eyes. 'You can't!'  
'But I've already won, Hairy Pooper! You can't stop me now! No-one can!' He drew closer.  
'Mouldyparts is our past and future...it's destiny! You can't deny it!'  
'Cockhard!' Hairy called out. 'Stop piddling yourself and destroy that diary! Or at least  
free Jimmy so he can do it!'  
The two begin to ripple, to mingle with one another. Oh great, thought Hairy. Useless last  
time until the end, and probably useless this time too. Is this how it ends? He sighed  
inwardly. He really did like Cockhard, even if he was a bit of a buffoon. He had been a  
great lay. He was sure the whole pee thing might even be a bit of kinky play sometimes.  
Oh well.  
'Hairy Pooper...your life ends now. And mine begins again!'  
Dick Diddle began to cackle. He raised his arms to the sky, and energy began to pulse  
through him as he merged with Hairy. And then...he screamed.  
A cacophony of screams burst through the ceiling and out the roof, into the sky. Hairy  
stumbled and looked around him. What had happened? He didn't even have the energy  
to ask it.  
But his eyes settled onto the diary. All his thoughts about that kinky play resurfaced.  
Jimmy stood, urinating onto the diary, with Cockhard hovering over it, dripping onto it,  
and the one-eyed snake just sort of staring into space.  
'The right fluid would have secured it,' Jimmy explained, a bit dizzy still; Cockhard had  
apparently managed to free him. Good old Cockhard. 'But the wrong fluid broke his spell  
for ever.'  
'Couldn't...have done it...without you.' Cockhard gave a sort of strained grin from atop the  
snake, which by now was becoming slightly uncomfortable at being a waterfall platform.  
He endured it like a champ.  
Hairy smiled at Jimmy, and Jimmy smiled back, shaking off and then hurrying over to  
throw his arms around Hairy.  
It wasn't what Diddle had planned, or at least wasn't the way he had planned, but Hairy  
did take Jimmy for the first time that night. To be fair, Jimmy took him too, and  
surprisingly roughly. But he liked it, and he couldn't deny it. And only the right fluids  
came out at the right times, which was another thing he quite liked about the whole  
thing.  
But in the morning, Hairy crept out silently and went to Cockhard's classroom, to find  
the professor packing his case.  
'You're leaving?'  
The man turned, startled, but he gave a quiet nod of his head, then resumed placing his  
items carefully in his bag. 'I'm afraid so. Going to need some care. That spell was more  
powerful than I reckoned, but...Dilderboy Cockhard and His Amazing One-Eyed Snake is  
going to be a show that wows them, once I'm ready!'  
Hairy gave a little smile. 'Yeah, I suppose so. So you're taking the snake with you?'  
'I've arranged it all.' He snapped the clasp shut and turned, picking it up off the desk.  
'What does a school need with a giant snake anyway?'  
It wasn't that he never had thought of it before, it was just that everything happened so  
quickly the previous day that Hairy had very little opportunity to analyse the situation.  
What was a giant snake even doing at a school? How had it come to live there, and in the  
girls' lavatory at that? How had it even survived this long? What did it eat? Who fed it?  
The questions piled up like snow drifts in his mind.  
'I'll be back one day, my lovely Hairy Pooper.' Cockhard leaned in and pressed his lips to  
Hairy's, snapping him out of his reverie. And then, without another word, he slipped out  
the door.  
After a few minutes, Hairy too made his way out, and up the stairs, up to the  
headmaster's office. And there he was confronted by the most jarring sight he had  
experienced since coming to the school: a woman who was clearly of some sort of gothic  
leaning in her makeup and hair, but who insisted upon wearing the most darling of  
clothes, as if that made up for the severity of her features and the disparate nature of the  
two aspects of her appearance.  
'Ah, Hairy.' Humblewhore forced a smile while the woman could see him, then stepped in  
front of her and made a face very clear to the younger man. 'This is Dolorous Frottage,  
from the Ministry of Sex. She's here to look into the reports of--'  
'A certain unnamed entity!' Frottage snapped, giving a flash of a brief smile that fell off  
her face instantly after, gone as if it had never been.  
'Quite.' Hairy had never seen Humblewhore like this, but he seemed to be teetering on  
the precipice of homicidal irritation. 'Anyway, Hairy, did you have something you needed  
to see me about?' And after speaking, as the woman busied herself brushing her gloved  
fingertips over the surface of a shelf, he mouthed the words 'run away if you want to live'.  
'Oh, er, no! I just thought I'd bid you good morning, sir. It's always so nice to see you.'  
Hairy took the hint and waved to the both of them. 'Lovely to meet you, er, Mrs. Frottage.'  
'Ms.,' she hissed.  
Without correcting himself, Hairy returned the way he came.  
'Hey!' The voices rang out as one, and soon Hairy found himself surrounded by Head and  
Gorge, the two bushy-haired and amorous twins.  
'Want to come play a game of Quibich?' Head licked one of Hairy's cheeks.  
'Quibich?' Hairy turned to look at Head, and Gorge licked the other with his head  
turned.  
'Yeah! It's a game!'  
'The game for sexual wizards!'  
Hairy had to admit, he had never heard of it. But then, he never really kept up with  
sports. They bored him. 'What's it about? Odd name, anyway.'  
'It's a shortening of "queer bitch" I hear. Apparently the inventor had a reputation for  
being really strange,' Gorge explained.  
'And bereft of social graces,' Head finished, reaching a hand down the back of Hairy's  
trousers.  
'Anyway,' Gorge continued, 'we're the Whackers, and we need a Sucker! Then there's the  
Creeper, and of course the Chachas.'  
'How do you even play this game?' Hairy couldn't get his head round it, especially with all  
the terminology being tossed about. 'It sounds hard.'  
'It's so easy! And look...there's the boy you're going to be playing against.' Head pointed  
down the staircase, and there stood another head boy.  
This one wasn't like Pussy, Roger's brother, who was a head boy for their own Gryphon-Whore house; no, instead this young man was more athletic, more filled-out, even if still  
a little gangly in parts. Then he turned, and as he turned, he smiled.  
It could well be the downfall of angels, the way it sparkled with his eyes. Hairy felt his  
heart thump in his chest. Cockhard was charming, but he faded almost immediately  
upon setting eyes on this figure of beauty. It seemed not so superficial, either. From the  
real warmth of the smile, it was clear that beauty radiated from within.  
'What...what do I have to do?' Hairy looked between the twins, who were grinning like  
cheshire cats. 'Who is he?'  
'Spastic Dickery!' Head rested his chin on Hairy's left shoulder.  
Then Gorge did the same to his right. 'Head boy for Huffamuff. And their Sucker.'  
'So,' Hairy grinned, looking first to one, then to the other. 'Tell me what I have to do to get  
to know him better.'  
Before five minutes had passed, Head and Gorge had spit-roasted Hairy. It didn't matter  
which twin was at which end, because they were both exactly the same type of delicious.  
It was something in the way of a new experience for him, but Hairy didn't mind; he could  
tell Roger he'd been getting close to his family, which he was sure the other boy would  
like.  
This shifted to spit-roasting Head, then Gorge, then it was Hairy's turn again, and  
through it all they peppered the fun with a variety of licking, sucking, and the most  
pleasant of poking. After it all, the three of them lay half-atop each other on the bed too  
small to hold them otherwise, covered in sweat and sticky.  
'So the first thing you've got to do is go out for quibich,' Head stated.  
Gorge nodded. 'And then you've got to suck with all your might.'  
'Can do,' Hairy breathily replied, grinning.  
Quibich wasn't much different, honestly. Hairy did his best to try and remember  
everything the twins had told him, but all the business with the Golden Bitch and the  
Queef and the two Beavers escaped him: all he really wanted to do was what he knew was  
an intrinsic part of the game, and that was to pin down Spastic Dickery and never let him  
up again.  
But every time he got him close, every time he tried to fulfill that role of Sucker, Dickery  
lingered and then pulled away, with that radiant smile of his. It only made Hairy want  
more. So much more. He shivered as he confronted the growing want, the need, inside of  
him. And he felt the need for something else inside of him too. It nearly consumed him,  
until at last he stormed off the field. It was just a practise game, after all, just fooling  
around. But Hairy had enough of fooling around.  
Spastic waved to his teammates and nodded to the twins as they smiled to him. He  
reached out and pulled Hairy around by his shoulder, leaning close to him; Hairy found  
his frustration fade away instant with the feel of the head boy's breath tickling warm on  
his ear, whispering.  
'The head boys' bathroom on the third floor is a great place for a bath,' he murmured,  
then leaned back and winked to Hairy, pressing a key into his palm before turning and  
running off to join his teammates.  
'Suave,' Head cooed, gliding closer with his brother.  
Gorge circled behind Hairy, and the two sandwiched him in place. 'I hear he's with Chode  
Chain, though...'  
Hairy breathed deeply in and gazed at the backside of the Huffamuff boy, until finally he  
crossed out of sight. 'I hate to see him leave, but I love to watch him go...'  
As the three of them left the field and returned to the main grounds of the school, they  
all stopped as one, watching a scene unfold in one of the seemingly countless courtyards  
around the place. The horrible Frottage was pitching a fit, there was a centaur standing  
not ten paces from her, and an older man with long, pale blond hair stood impeccably-dressed and with the sourest expression ever worn, on his face. Humblewhore stood not  
far away, with another woman who wore her hair in a similar style to Hermuffonme.  
'I will not have it! These students can't be subjected to that kind of endowment!' Frottage  
had her wand out and was waving it madly around. 'I'll have you know I act with the full  
authority of Minister Penis Thickeste, and I will not be defied!'  
Humblewhore drew up himself to a very impressive height. As Hairy had noticed before,  
the man was built under his robes; he just bent over often and smiled a lot, which made  
him seem less formidable. But there was a massive hunk of sculpted wizard there, and it  
showed in that instant.  
'Ms. Frottage, you have seen fit to tell Professor Treshorny here that she is unfit to teach  
her position, but you do not have the authority to banish her from the premises,  
especially as you've offered no authoritative proof of said minister's power.'  
'She is a deputised agent--' the blond man started.  
'Luscious Manboy, you may be involved in the ministry, but you are here in an unofficial  
capacity.' Humblewhore narrowed his eyes. 'Do kindly shut up and leave this to people  
who know what they're talking about, there's a good fellow.'  
Manboy bristled.  
Frottage would not be stopped. 'But you offer this...this animal...!'  
The centaur then bristled. 'My name is Rearenze, and I will caution you that if you insult  
me once more to my face, I will not be responsible for what occurs!' He was a handsome  
one, with long golden hair and of course the grand muscles all his kind had, but his  
dramatic brows came together in a truly dangerous glower at the weird woman.  
'Rearenze has been appointed to take Professor Treshorny's place, until the time where  
you produce a writ of authority.'  
'How dare you threaten me!' Frottage waved the wand in the centaur's direction. 'I will  
not tolerate savages on--'  
There were then two sounds: the sound of hooves hitting tweed, and the sound of a body  
thumping once on the ground.  
Rearenze glowered down at the woman, who struggled to catch her breath. 'You were  
warned.'  
Manboy sighed heavily and hoisted Frottage up, letting her lean on him. He stood so  
stably, so stock-still, that he gave a statuesque impression. He probably looked great  
naked too. But he probably also stared at himself in a mirror for hours to make sure of  
that.  
'Really, Humblewhore. I don't know what you expect to gain from this.'  
'I don't know what you're talking about. Good day.' The headmaster turned and, putting  
his arm around Treshorny's shoulders, led her along with him, stepping carefully behind  
the centaur.  
Hairy and the twins slipped through whilst the others were distracted.  
'That horrible woman's going to get herself in over her head, if she's not careful!' Hairy  
glanced back. 'How can someone that awful be a sexual wizard?'  
'She's not.' Gorge grunted.  
Head nodded. 'Not really she isn't.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'I mean,' Gorge answered, drawing him along, 'she's the type who's forgotten what sexual  
wizardry is all about. You saw her waving that wand so much, but the only thing she  
probably knows how to do anymore is make it look cheap.'  
'She certainly doesn't know Expellanus,' added Head. 'Else she'd use it to get that stick  
out from up hers.'  
The three laughed, and then as they drew closer to the dorm stairs, the two brothers bid  
Hairy farewell. Hairy hurried to where he had been directed. He knew the bathroom was  
around, somewhere. He never went in, of course; not because he felt head boys deserved  
a separate bathroom, but because he'd only been at the school for three days and just  
never had the opportunity.  
He took the key out of his pocket and slipped it into the lock, then turned. The tumblers  
clicked and he took the handle, pushing in, and then he was inside. He shut the door  
behind him, grinning as he looked around. The head boys' bathroom!  
Steamy, he thought; steamy and sultry. But that would be from the baths in the next  
room. He began to undress and, once naked, collected a towel and washcloth from the  
rack, walking into the bath itself. It looked splendid, with the water steaming, smelling so  
good.  
And there, under the miniature waterfall, was Dickery. He pushed his wet hair back and  
grinned to Hairy, standing taller and walking over to him. Not a word passed between  
them before, at last, the head boy kissed him. Within seconds they were both in the  
water, tangled together and rubbing wet bodies against each other. Both became aroused  
almost instantly, and it was no question as to how they would resolve it or who would  
take whom.  
Hairy couldn't hold back, and he filled the room with moaning and crying out. Moaning  
Mona couldn't have done better. He didn't care. Surely they would have blamed it on a  
ghost, anyway. There were too many other explanations for Hugetits. He felt himself wet  
and sticky all over his stomach and chest, and he felt Spastic's hot release deep inside  
himself. They slid back into the water and kissed again, the head boy holding him  
tenderly, brushing a hand through his dampened, thick hair.  
'So, erm,' Hairy finally murmured, when he had at last come down from his orgasmic  
high. 'I hope I'm not...getting in the middle of any...relationships, or anything. I heard  
you were with Chode Chain. I hope...'  
'Huh?' Spastic gave a look like he had just been jostled from a deep sleep. 'Chode? Me?'  
'Well, you danced together...'  
'Oh right. If I can't dance with the one I fuck, fuck the one I'm with?' He quipped,  
grinning again.  
Hairy laughed after a second of surprise. 'Sorry. I just...saw you this morning for the first  
time and I've never wanted someone so much in my life.'  
'Now you've had me.' Spastic rested his hand along the curve of Hairy's cheek. 'Now who  
do you want?'  
Hairy sighed and turned to kiss his palm. 'I don't know what's come over me...'  
'If you'd really like Chode, though, I'm sure she'd like to do a threesome.'  
They both began to laugh.  
Outside and downstairs, Roger walked with Hermuffonme and Knobble, together  
towards the dining hall. The great doors flew open to admit a man in curious dress,  
almost entirely skintight, and a set of buttocks that just kept on going.  
'Who's that?' Roger whispered, when he was sure the man had walked out of earshot.  
Hermuffonme, slack-jawed, shook her head to clear it. 'It can't be...it looked like it was  
Mad-Ass Booty!'  
'What would he be doing at Hugetits?'  
'Well...he was a friend of Humblewhore's, I hear.'  
Knobble nodded. 'Or a colleague, at least. Maybe he's come to take that horrible Ms.  
Frottage away.'  
They all laughed a little, but it was forced in every case. They continued to the room and  
their dinners.  
But in the distance, Mad-Ass Booty grinned, having heard every word. He continued up  
the stairs, up to the headmaster's office and into it. When he passed Fucks on the perch,  
the penis spread his wings and hurtled into the air, squirting at the bootylicious visitor.  
'Fucks!' Humblewhore stamped his foot. 'That's no way to treat an old friend! Now,' he  
turned to the man, 'Mad-Ass Booty! What brings you to see me, after all this time? I was  
sure you'd quite forgotten about me.'  
'Never, matey!' Booty gave a kind of half-hearted salute. 'As for what brings me to see  
you...'  
Suddenly he had drawn his wand, and a bolt of magic flew towards the headmaster. But  
Humblewhore was every bit as strong as Hairy knew, and suddenly the solid wood desk  
flew towards his visitor...the intruder. Both hit the floor with a crunch, and with a gesture  
of his grand wand, Humblewhore lifted the desk up and tossed it back to where it had sat  
before.  
At his feet was a spindly man, barely able to fill out even the over-suit that he had worn.  
This was no Bad-Ass Booty -- this was another man entirely!  
'Farty Crotch, Junior!' Humblewhore frowned, placing his hands on his hips and looking  
down at the unconscious man. 'Are they really desperate enough to recruit you?' He  
nudged the man with his foot, then kicked at him lightly. 'Well come on, stop faking. I  
could see your eyelids moving.'  
'Shut up! Don't you judge me--ow!' Crotch winced, hugging his arms around his body and  
sitting up very slightly. 'Ugh. You threw a damn desk on me.'  
'You tried to rupture my sphincter, I figure it's fair.'  
'Well you're too late, anyway. My loyalty is to Lord Mouldyparts, and he will return!'  
'Not with agents of the Ministry about,' Humblewhore tutted, sliding his wand in his  
belt. 'And certainly not with the difficulty you've had so far.'  
'If you're talking about Hairy Pooper, he will be dealt with!'  
'I don't think so.'  
'I do.' A cold voice came from behind, and Humblewhore wheeled around...just in time  
for a chop to the neck that downed him. 'He'll be out for hours.'  
Luscious Manboy walked out from the shadows, followed by Frottage.  
She looked up with a sneer. 'Get rid of...that.'  
Manboy lifted his cane, but try as he might, he couldn't reach Fucks. And even when he  
began to hurl magic, the creature nimbly avoided every bolt. At last, one hit the skylight  
and rained glass upon those below, drawing a shriek from Frottage.  
'Stop! Stop!' She screeched, smacking Manboy in the shoulder as he shielded his face.  
'If you touch me again, I swear...five across the eyes!'  
'You'll get one between the legs if I get five across the eyes,' she snapped back at him.  
Crotch grunted as he finally picked himself up. 'Could you two shut the fuck up already  
please and get on with the plan? The Snatch-Eaters have Hugetits under our control!'  
'Yes...' Luscious turned, lips curling into a grin. 'Yes, we do. And now, nothing will stop us.  
Mouldyparts's temporary body can be brought here, thanks to our talented ally Peter  
Peckergrew.'  
'And once he defeats Hairy Pooter...'  
'Then we will have the world knelt before us!'  
The next day's classes went much the same as always, except the headmaster was nowhere  
to be seen. Hairy dismissed any concern from his mind; all he wanted to do was finish the  
day and go see Spastic. They could spend the rest of the day together...studying. Honing  
their skills. Sucking.  
A new instructor stood at the front of the Defence Against the Front-Farts class, a man  
who looked very nearly drunk, though handsome and well-dressed. This was a man who,  
as Hairy was beginning to learn, looked like he had sucked legions of cocks in his day.  
'I'm Rimmus Poopin.' His speech was also crisp, eloquent and erudite. 'I'll be your new  
instructor.'  
Before he could even begin his next sentence, he closed his mouth again and waved  
grandly. 'Free study period. We'll start tomorrow.'  
The students were pleased enough, as they had already accumulated enough other  
studies to occupy them. But Hairy found himself approached again, this time by the  
newest teacher in a familiar position.  
'Mr. Pooper,' Rimmus began, but Hairy held up a hand.  
'Please, just Hairy.'  
'Hairy, then.' The older man smiled, and it was a tired smile. He had a few scars on his  
face, and they looked a bit like claw-marks. Hairy felt it better not to ask. He wasn't quite  
ready to find out if they were from bestiality or something else he hadn't yet learnt much  
about.  
'Did you need something?'  
'I have a message for you only. Would you come with me into the office?'  
Hairy nodded and closed his book, standing and moving to accompany the man. Once in  
the office, Rimmus closed the door and moved to the centre of the room, drawing Hairy  
with him.  
'You are in great danger. You must meet with Serious Cock.'  
'Serious Cock? Danger?'  
'Serious Cock is a friend of your parents.'  
'I've never met him in my life!'  
'You may not have met him that you can remember, but who do you think took care of  
you all these years? Inflatable bath toys?'  
Hairy's eyes opened wider. It all made sense! He had never really thought about it before.  
'Hairy Pooper. We are so much alike, you and I. But where I am weathered and ravaged  
and past the point of too much hope, you...you are on the threshold of destiny.'  
Before ten minutes passed, Hairy found himself running, running past Flaccid's huts,  
into the forest, into the thicket. He froze as he felt watched and wheeled round, pointing  
his wand into the lengthening shadows.  
'Who's there? Come out now!'  
It took barely a few seconds before the familiar voice of Spastic Dickery carried over the  
distance. 'I don't need to come out, silly. I would've thought you'd have guessed from the  
way I deep-dicked you!'  
Hairy breathed a sigh and hurried towards the other man, throwing his arms around him  
and then kissing him deeply. They both ran their hands over each other, quickly,  
excitedly, but Hairy pushed himself away at last.  
'You must go. You can't come with me.'  
'I can't let you go alone,' Spastic replied instantly. 'And I won't let you be put in danger.'  
Hairy could not stop himself. He kissed Spastic again and pressed his body close.  
'Spastic, you ridiculous, wonderful, brave man! Come then...but you must take care of  
yourself. Because...'  
'Because...?'  
'Because I really think I want to have a huge orgy when all this is over, and I want to  
introduce you to all my friends, and I'm...almost entirely sure I've fallen in love with you.'  
Spastic gave a soft little laugh and tickled under Hairy's chin. 'Good, because I love you  
too.'  
They continued on, hand in hand, rushing through the woods with Hairy leading the  
way. As they went along, he told Spastic about what Rimmus had told him.  
'Serious Cock? Wasn't he put away a few months ago for flashing or something?'  
'I don't know,' Hairy replied. 'All I know is that he's here, and I have to find him. I have  
to!'  
'You just have.'  
As the two younger men turned, a dog's form began to ripple, a huge dog turning into a  
naked, well-muscled man with just the right amount of scruff and black hairs all over. He  
might have looked aristocratic, had he been wearing clothes. Hairy could not help but  
look between his legs, a well-proportioned length that he wondered, despite himself, if it  
had ever been in either of his parents.  
It seemed...familiar, somehow. Did he remember the other man in that singular memory?  
Was he there, and Hairy simply had never noticed?  
'I'm up here.' Serious pointed to his face. 'Up here.'  
'Are you really Serious Cock?' Spastic reached his arms around Hairy, pulling him  
defensively close. 'Aren't you supposed to be a dangerous criminal?'  
'Only if you're an easily-bamboozled fool, and I don't think you are...Spastic Dickery.'  
The younger man looked Serious over again as well, and his eyes lingered below the waist  
too. Something about that...  
'All I know is what I've heard,' Dickery finally managed, as he forced his eyes upward.  
'Why are you here? Why is Rimmus Poopin telling Hairy to find you and that he's in  
danger?'  
'Because the Snatch-Eaters...are here!' Serious rushed to the side of the two, then turned  
back around and stretched his arms out. 'You've got to run. You've got to get the Codpiece  
of Smoking. And for pity's sake, don't let anything up your ass!'  
With that, he shifted back into the huge black dog and growled, slinging spit as he  
looked around himself.  
The two young men clung to each other, and at last Spastic pushed himself and Hairy  
away from Serious, the dog. He glanced back, and so did Harry, as the leaves crunched  
under their feet. A woman who looked like she had just rushed out of a gothic party,  
gesticulating and tugging at her too-tight bodice, staggered in front of Serious and then  
fainted, presumably from lack of air.  
'It's Turnatrix!' Spastic gasped, pulling Hairy along.  
'Who?'  
'Turnatrix! She's that nutty witch who took too many dicks up her ass at the last  
Wizarding Ball. She ended up trying to give herself a marshmallow enema and  
everything pretty much went downhill from there.'  
'What's...what's this Codpiece of Smoking?'  
'It's a codpiece, of course! A really flattering one. But I don't know why Serious Cock  
would want you to have it...unless...'  
Hairy suddenly felt a surge of being very nearly fed up with all of the things he hadn't  
been told growing up, which everyone else knew as a matter of course. 'Yes?'  
'It's said that the Codpiece can protect against the forbidden magics...but it's never been  
shown, I don't think.' Spastic smirked, but a bit grimly. 'Not that there'd be an occasion  
to, I guess.'  
'Where is this thing?'  
'It should be on the grounds! There's a hedge maze around it, but you know how to solve  
those things.'  
'Right, just put your hand on the wall and...'  
'Right.'  
They kept running for a bit more, then Spastic drew them to a stop.  
'Crap,' he spat. 'I forgot about this.'  
A small, not very deep pond stretched before them, without so much as a footbridge over  
it. In the water swam a muscular, naked man about Spastic's age, wearing a band around  
his chest attaching a shark fin to his back.  
'Er...can't we just swim through?' Hairy watched the odd sole occupant of the pond.  
'No, this is one of those challenges we have to complete. It's Dicktor Kum, renowned  
sexual athlete...he likes to...he likes...a mouthful. You know.' Spastic gestured vaguely. 'It's  
his shark thing.'  
Hairy thought about it for a moment. In reflection, it made about as much sense as  
anything else he had experienced since coming to the school, so he was willing to accept  
it. 'What do we do?'  
'Give him something to suck on.' Spastic had already half-undressed, and Hairy began to  
follow.  
The two slid into the waters, kicking their feet and splashing at Kum. He responded  
almost immediately, pressing his head into Hairy's crotch, then Spastic's. He had the  
slightest bit of scruff, almost like a half-hearted goatee, and it tickled under the water.  
Quite an athlete, this lad could hold his breath for some time. Hairy found himself  
impressed as he was drawn over the edge, then watched Dicktor come up for air and sink  
down again, sucking Spastic to climax and then swimming off.  
'Hurry,' Spastic sighed, reaching back to collect his clothes and balling them up, keeping  
them above water. They could stretch and walk across. 'He won't be distracted long.'  
As they tugged on their now-clingy clothes to their damp bodies, the two shared a kiss.  
Hairy was beginning to feel desperate. Why did this bizarre melodrama have to happen  
when he had just found love? But he decided not to dwell on it. He had really had quite  
enough of angst as a teenager, and by now he found himself ready to move on to another  
stage of life. No use in manufacturing it, he thought. Just make the best of it.  
They rushed into the maze, but before they could get very far in, a familiar sight met  
Hairy's vision: the blond boy he had met the very first day, at the station.  
'Manboy,' Hairy whispered. 'Dicko Manboy.'  
'Hairy Pooper,' the other young man answered. 'And our Spastic Dickery. You've got good  
taste, Hairy.'  
But Hairy could feel a sense of threat from Dicko. It was impossible to shrug off. Was this  
part of the danger Rimmus and Serious had warned him about?  
'Look, I don't want any trouble,' Hairy lifted his hands. He could see Dicko's wand was  
out, and he knew the lad could swing it with the best of them. 'Something terrible's  
happening, and we have to get the Codpiece of Smoking before it's too late!'  
'Yes, yes, I know.' Dicko motioned to them. 'This way. I know a way right to the centre.'  
Spastic opened his mouth to say something, then closed it in silence. Hairy stared after.  
'Well come on! I don't have all day.'  
'You're...' Hairy frowned, 'you're not going to gloat or try to make us fuck you or  
something?'  
'Look.' Dicko turned back around, holding his hands out and motioning as he spoke,  
illustrating every point. 'My father...is a douche. I'm having a nice time at Hugetits. And  
though I'm sure you fucking me wouldn't take very long at all unless you've learned a lot  
in the past half-week, I'd rather just get this over with and then have you invite me to that  
orgy I know you're planning, so I can make you suck my cock while jock-boy there  
spreads it for me. Then I can nail Hermuffonme and roger...Roger and Knobble, and who  
knows? Maybe I'll let you frolic with Krabs and Gurl.'  
Despite the distressing names, Hairy had at least heard that Dicko's entourage were very  
good at what they did. They had to be; sucking Manboy's cock on a number of levels was  
no job for amateurs.  
Hairy nodded and shifted to follow. 'Right. Lead on, then.'  
They made quick work of the maze, thanks to Dicko's shortcut. Leave it to a Slipitin,  
Hairy thought to himself. He was proud that he had begun to discern the differences  
between the houses. This whole world of sexual wizardry wasn't so hard to get into. Hard  
to understand sometimes, admittedly, and hard to catch up on all the current events he'd  
missed, but not hard really to insinuate himself into.  
There it sat, on a pedestal, in the centre of a quartet of curved benches: the Codpiece of  
Smoking. It was easy to see that it would be a flattering accessory for anyone. No wonder  
it was so named. Hairy glanced over at Dicko, imagining the codpiece along the curve of  
the bulge in those leather britches. It sent a shiver up his back.  
'We've got to get it.' Hairy rushed into the middle, hand outstretched.  
But suddenly, on the other side of the central area, two men appeared: one seemed to be  
having inordinate amounts of trouble with his trousers, but he had those beady, horrible  
eyes that Hairy remembered from Quim. The other looked like a mouse, except a couple  
of hundred pounds heavier and less hirsute.  
'Take care of one, we'll use the other,' the first man stated, voice cold as ice.  
'Penis Thickeste?' Spastic took a step closer, but Dicko stopped him with a hand on the  
other boy's shoulder.  
'Not anymore,' he whispered. 'He's just a vessel now. A vessel for...you know. That one.'  
'I am Lord Mouldyparts!' He announced, throwing his arms out and then reaching down  
to adjust himself again. 'And this, as if it matters, is Peter Peckergrew.'  
'Peckergrew!' Dicko and Spastic turned to face the source of the voice. And there, naked  
again, stood Serious Cock.  
That hypnotic phallus of his bounced as he moved, powerful thighs flexing as he  
bounced across the fallen leaves. 'You betrayed a trust. You betrayed me! You betrayed us  
all!'  
Peckergrew, however, simply thrust his wand forward and shouted. 'Invader Kadonga!'  
Now things were getting serious. But the bolt of energy simply sailed over the head of the  
large dog that now crouched where Serious Cock had stood only seconds before. The dog  
sprang through the air and tackled Peckergrew to the ground, leaving only Mouldyparts,  
in the body of Thickeste, to scramble for the codpiece.  
Time seemed to slow down. Hairy knew he had no choice; he had to do this. He had to  
get it, or else everything would be lost. And with all the times he had scored since  
receiving that initial invitation, he would be damned if he was going to let some beady-eyed twat-face take it from him!  
Hairy plucked the thing up from off its resting spot and stumbled back. Mouldyparts  
howled in fury, and then a number of things happened at once.  
Peckergrew gestured with his wand, and Serious instantly bit his wrist, making him drop  
the wand. But the spell was mostly cast, and it shot out at Hairy. He turned to see Spastic,  
flinging himself into its path, and suddenly the other boy's body was bathed in white  
light.  
The next thing Hairy knew, Spastic Diggory lay trembling on the ground, cumming in his  
pants and babbling incoherently. He gasped at the same time as Dicko. This was the  
forbidden curse, doing its work.  
Dicko pulled Spastic up, with some effort, and shoved Hairy towards the exit. 'Hurry! My  
excellence will find a way.'  
Mouldyparts pushed his way past the other two, stalking Hairy. And Hairy knew that  
Mouldyparts was not nearly as dangerous as his minions, not until Hairy himself had  
been defeated and added to his power. Just like Quim and Diddle and all the rest had  
tried, and Hairy at last understood.  
He quickly lost the fiend in the maze, remembering Dicko's shortcut. He hurried past the  
pond, leaving the agitated Kum to grapple with likely an annoyed Dark Lord, and flew  
sodden down the path, back into the school.  
Hermuffonme and Knobble rushed to him.  
'Hairy!' Hermuffonme threw her arms around him and squeezed. 'Where have you been?  
We've been worried...the school's all fighting!'  
'Fighting?' Hairy gasped, just as Roger rolled up.  
'Hairy!' He embraced his friend and kissed his cheek. 'I'm not sure what's going on, but I  
think this is all about you when it gets down to it.'  
'All right then.' Hairy lowered his brow and clenched his fists. He reached down and  
secured the codpiece in place, and he tied the ribbons. 'It's time to finish this. Even if it  
means having the same Defence Against the Front-Farts teacher more than two days in a  
row.'  
Hairy started down the corridor.  
'Where are you going?' Hermuffonme called after him.  
'I don't know,' he answered. 'I thought I'd go to one of the hundreds of courtyards this  
place seems to have. It seems that would give me plenty of room to move.'  
'All right,' Hermuffonme replied. 'I have a plan.' She turned to Roger and Knobble. 'I'm  
going to need your help, you're going to have to fetch me some things...'  
Hairy hurried off, leaving them to do what they needed to do. He barely got a few feet  
away before the unwelcome pink-clad figure of Dolorous Frottage insinuated itself in  
front of him.  
'And where do you think you're going?'  
Before Hairy could answer, there was a flurry of hooves and then a body-check as  
Frottage sailed like a sack of potatoes to the ground. Stamping over to her, Rearenze  
leaned down and grasped her by the hair, dragging her off.  
'I sincerely hope you love to suck cock as much as you pretend to.'  
Hairy gathered his bearings and started again. He raced through doorways and down  
corridors, through halls and, at last, to the grandest courtyard he could find.  
And there, somehow having arrived before him, stood Mouldyparts, whose form seemed  
to be having trouble taking hold of the formidable Penis Thickeste, mainly in the crotch.  
'I will defeat you, Hairy Pooper! Once and for all!'  
'This is the last time. The last time!' Hairy rushed at him, whipping his wand out and  
flailing it in an arc before him, spouting words he didn't even know he knew how to say.  
Silvery light spurted from the tip of his wand and sprayed before him, meeting black light  
from Mouldyparts's own withered wand.  
Before they could come together, a giant snake burst from the ground, and both of them  
fell back.  
Hairy scrambled to his feet and shouted. 'Another giant snake? What is it with giant  
fucking snakes and this school?!'  
'You're the dick whisperer,' Mouldyparts hissed, pointing to Hairy. 'And once you're  
defeated, I shall have your power. Meet my pet...Dawini!'  
Dawini hissed and slithered inexorably towards Hairy, but before it could arrive, Knobble  
fell over it.  
At least, that's what it seemed like at first. Actually, it turned out, he also managed to  
stick a giant knotted dick in its mouth. Made out of bone or alabaster or something.  
'The Great Wand of Gryphon-Whore!' Knobble proclaimed, looking very proud.  
Hairy saluted him, taking a step back. Roger and Hermuffonme stepped up next to him.  
'You really are the dick whisperer, Hairy,' Roger gave an encouraging nod.  
Hermuffonme smiled a thin smile, placing her hand on his shoulder. 'Teabag the  
motherfucker.'  
Hairy pushed himself forward and again the energies met, wand to wand, bright to  
darkness. The fringe covering his forehead blew back, and that faintest of penis designs  
showed from his skin. It began to glow, and Hairy could feel the power growing in him.  
He felt his trousers tent and his wand grow larger, even mightier still.  
This was the moment he had been waiting for all his life! This was the moment to give it  
meaning! He screamed at the top of his lungs and lashed out, and at last the silvery-white  
energy from his wand crashed into Mouldyparts, knocking all that was him one way, all  
that was Penis Thickeste the other.  
Hairy flung his wooden wand down and undid his trousers, taking out his penis and  
stroking it once, twice more, before straddling the downed Mouldyparts.  
'Never again, you fiend.' Hairy set his jaw. 'Never, ever again.'  
With that he let it fly onto the monstrous thing's face, and with a shriek, Mouldyparts  
collapsed, lifeless.  
Then Hairy squatted on his face, balls swinging.  
'Yeah!' Hermuffonme whistled and cheered from a few steps away, pumping her fist in the  
air.  
The next day, things were slowly getting back to normal. Most of the students had fully  
recovered from whatever they had endured in the battle. Hairy, however, remained glum  
as he looked out one of the balconies, to the brilliant forests below.  
'Hairy!'  
Hairy turned, to the smiling face of a broom. But then he looked again; it was  
Hermuffonme.  
'Why the long face? You won! We all won. The Snatch-Eaters are finished. Mouldyparts  
will never come back. Ever.'  
'Yes, but...' Hairy sighed, leaning back against the stone wall.  
'I think I know what your problem is,' she grinned. 'You need to get laid.'  
Hairy shook his head. It wouldn't be the same. He had lost something too precious for  
words. He couldn't get himself out of the funk, and here just the day before he thought he  
was over angst.  
'So here.' She turned and whistled loudly, teeth-on-lips.  
And Spastic Dickery walked out, smiling his rapturous smile, waving a hand. 'Sorry for  
making you worry.'  
'Spastic!' Hairy shot to his feet, then looked to Hermuffonme. 'How...?'  
She held up the book with the deep red cover. 'It turns out that not actually having  
hobbies is a good thing. I was determined to find a counterspell for it. And I did.' She  
slipped the book back into her pocket. 'There's no such thing as a spell without a  
counterspell. And I've proved it.'  
Spastic held out his arms, and Hairy rushed into them and mashed his mouth to the  
other man's, winding a leg around him and sighing, at last, after a few minutes of kissing.  
'Hermuffonme, I love you.' Hairy panted, out of breath. 'And Spastic, I love you. And  
Roger, you too.'

Roger smiled a little from the doorway and waved at the others.

In less than an hour, the great hall was covered in pillows and blankets, and at the head of  
the room was Humblewhore, clad in only a skimpy pair of pyjama bottoms and showing  
off his amazing musculature. He looked like some sort of bearded Greek god, but the  
kind that would use a spreader bar sometimes.

'Hairy Pooper, you are a true sexual wizard. We are lucky to have you...and we are lucky to be had by you.'

McGonadballs adjusted her corset. 'Hairy Pooper. I consider myself fortunate to have met you.'

'I'm losing my stiffy,' Severed Snatch snapped. 'Let's get on with this please.'

'You're lucky I didn't just toss you under the wheels, with the rest of the Snatch-Eaters,' Humblewhore quipped under his breath, then turned back to the assembled students and faculty. He took a deep breath and smiled to them, raising his voice. 'Let the orgy begin!'

Hairy let himself be lost in the pleasure. Head and Gorge, Jimmy, Roger, Hermuffonme, Chode Chain, Dicko, Rearenze -- and that was quite an experience -- and all the rest, he let himself experience everything they had to offer in this happy afternoon. Far wider than the simple get-together he had originally planned, this truly was something everyone, of every house, could appreciate.

It brought them together. Despite circumstance, despite any other differences, this unified them in mind, spirit, and body. Past anything else, past the shells of their exteriors, they mingled for a moment touching souls, the very essences of their being, and in that moment they were one, and they were whole.

Hairy rested his chest on Spastic's chest, held in his arms, at the end of it all, and he felt himself falling into a sleep he knew would be deep and, for the first time in a while, restful, without worry and innocent. He inhaled Spastic's sweet scent and turned his head, to press his face against that chest.

'I think,' Hairy stated quietly, 'there is nothing quite so wonderful as a happy ending.'

THE END


End file.
